


The twisted life of Lily Evans

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-09-08
Updated: 2008-09-08
Packaged: 2019-01-19 20:53:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12417957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Welcome, unsuspecting readears, to the unorthodox and 'wtf' life of Lily Evans, Muggleborn RedHead, accompanied by her annoying and untrusty stalker, James KJKLFJIOJUIADSFHDJ Potter





	The twisted life of Lily Evans

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

** Ok, like what every other fanfiction says ahem; **

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** ‘We don’t own Harry Potter, J.K Rowling does’ **

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** WELL NEWAYZZZ… here’s our story and we hope you ppl like it **

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“Bye, Lily!!” She heard her father yell.

“Ok, dad do we have to go through this again?” Lily questioned her father. “This is the 32nd time u said ‘bye’ since we walked into that station. I get it.”

“Never mind that now. We have more important matters to discuss!” Mr. Evans told his daughter, “We need to get you a boyfriend. I know it’s a very hard task with hair like yours but we have to try!! You wanna know why? I WANT TO HAVE GRANDCHILDREN THAT DON’T LOOK LIKE PIGS WITH WIGS ON THEIR HEADS!!”

“DAD! People are starting to start.” Said lily “and I have to go now BYE!!!!!!”

“I’M GOING TO MISS YOU MY DAUGHTER AND I’M SURE YOURE GOING TO MISS YOUR HUNKY DAD!!” he suddenly started crying actually more like wailing.

“AWWWWW COME HERE AND GIVE ME A HUG LILY!!” said Mr. Evans while pulling his daughter into a bone crushing hug.

“NO DAD, I HAVE TO LEAVE NOW!! Love ya BYEEE!!” she said as she darted away from her dad and ran straight through the barrier, when she got through she felt something squishy under her

"OHH GOD! Sirius what the hell are you doing?!"

"OHHH LILY DEAR!" he said sitting up, "shhhh I’m dead, God people can't get that through their head, I swear!"

"Anyways Sirius" she said rolling her eyes, “it’s almost time for the train to leave."

They both set off for the train.

Meanwhile back in the muggle world…

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“OH ROSALIE IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE WHAT YOUR DAUGHTERS ARE DOING TO ME!! ONE OF THEM MARRIED A WALRUS AND THE OTHER ONE IS GOING AWAY AND LEAVING ME ALL ALONEEEE!!” He then took out a picture of his dead wife and started talking to it while sobbing. “AND THAT’S NOT ALL!! PETUNIA WENT AND HAD A KID THAT LOOKS LIKE A PIGGGG!! WHY AM I CURSED? WHAT DID I EVER DO WRONG AND NOW LILY LEFT ME TO DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH!!” Then he started choking on his sobs.

Back to platform 9 ¾ …

Lily and Sirius locked a compartment door and sat down.  “Sooo…. Sirius, what did you want?” she asked

“Lily, if you help me, I’ll help you,” Sirius said like he was the leader in the mafia. “You’re the head girl right?” she nodded. “I know the head boy, and no it’s not moony.  If I tell you, you have to help me with something.”

“What is it?” she inquired, “and please, STOP with the Italian mafia accent.”

“Fineeee, I’ll stop, newayz lily hun, before I tell you. We have to do the finger swear.” Said Sirius

“Finger swear?” she snorted. “You mean pinky swear.”  “NO! It’s finger swear, he said menacingly.

“Fine, Fine whateves, how do we do it?” asked lily

“You don’t know how to do the finger swear??” asked Sirius in horror. “Oh. Wait. I forgot. You’re a GIRL!!!!!!!! Only girls wouldn’t know what a finger swear is.” said Sirius. “So. Are you saying girls are stupid?” asked lily threateningly. “WHAT?!?!? NO! Of course not! Girls are smart. They’re smarter than guys. Guys are stupid. Why would you even think I said that?” asked Sirius once he heard the threat in lily’s voice.

“I thought so. Alright then. What did you need help with siri-poo?” asked lily sweetly. “I need your help. I need you to help me get a girl.” said Sirius.

“A girl?” asked lily. “Yes, a girl.” Answered Sirius.

“But I thought you don’t need my help and that you could use your ‘charm, handsomeness, good looks and amazing hair’ to get all the girls you want and besides, I thought you were a player.” Said lily. “Oh. But I can get any girl I want with the things you just listed but my playing days are over.” Said Sirius with pride. “And I finally ended my time with girlfriend # 554. I think she should be happy… but if only I could remember her name.” said Sirius.

At that moment, a girl with seriously Sirius-endorsed curves walked by the compartment. “I want that girl.” Said Sirius.

“Sirius, you already dated her remember? She’s the one with the weird obsession with armpits.” Sighed lily.

“Oh yeah… we were snogging and she randomly liked my underarm. It was NASTY. Women.” Sais Sirius

“Then who is it?” lily asked exhaustedly

“Okay, there’s this foreign exchange student coming from beuxbatons,” Sirius said with a dreamy look in his eyes.

“And how do you know this?” as soon as she asked that Sirius had that mad glint in his eyes and opened his mouth wide, “NO! I don’t even want to hear it.”

“Fineeeeeeeeee... it was a real hoot.”

“A hoot?”

“No, seriously a hoot.”

“GODDAMINT LILY YES A HOOT” he screeched “I read that in a muggle book, junie BB Junes,” he said proudly might I add.

“You mean Junie B Junes.”

“Whatever. What were we talking about?” he asked with a confused expression.

“The beuxbatons chick,” Lily replied with a dull look.

“Ok! Sooo… can you help me?”

“Sirius, let me explain something to you alright?” asked lily

“What is it? Is it about how your gonna help me get the girl?” asked Sirius hopefully “because I have nooooooooo idea how to get her!”

“I. don’t. Know. Anything. About. French. Girls. Understand?” asked lily

“But your LILY EVANS! You know everything!  How could you not know something? Wait! Don’t tell me. It’s the end of the world isn’t it? We’re all going to die?!?!” exclaimed Sirius in shock “NOOOOOO!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE! IM TOO YOUNG AND HOT TO DIE!!!!!!!” said Sirius who is currently in hysterics and is bawling his eyes out.

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** “ ** IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD YOU DIPWAD!!” Lily screeched. Lucy for her she put a charm on the compartment. “Look Sirius, I might not know everything, but this does.” She said as she went through her trunk till she found a new knapsack.

“Sirius, there are many hazardous things in here, I don’t want you to put anything in your mouth.” She said sternly as though she was talking to a three year old.

She then took out what appeared to be a laptop. “Ooooooh. What is that?” asked Sirius in fascination. “ It’s called a laptop.” Answered lily, “It’s a muggle electronic muggle device that will help me help you.” She said as she began typing something.

“WOW!!!!!” Sirius said clearly still fascinated. “Can I try? And can it really help me get that girl? Can I?? Can it?? Can I?? Can it??” asked Sirius while jumping up and down on his seat. He then proceeded to try and yank the laptop out of lily’s hands. Once he succeeded, he started clicking random keys at a furious speed.

“SIRIUS BLACK!!!!! YOU WILL PUT THAT DOWN THIS INSTANT!!!!” screeched lily while taking the laptop roughly from Sirius’s hands.  “If you don’t start behaving yourself then I won’t help you get the girl anymore.” Said lily in a threatening voice.

“NOOOOOO!!!!!!! IM SORRY LILY I TRULY AM!!! JUST PLEASE. PLEASE HELP MEEEEEEE!!!!” cried Sirius with lots of emotion.

“Wow. I never thought I’d see the day where Sirius Black I s begging.” Remarked Remus Lupin dryly.

“REMUSSS!!” screamed lily and gave him a hug. Remus was lily’s favorite marauder. He was smart, good looking, but most of all was he had common sense. Which is what the others lacked.

“Lily! Is that a laptop?!!?!?” he asked excitedly. The boy was CRAZY about technology ever since he took it in muggle studies last year. At least he wasn’t obsessive like Arthur Weasley.   “Ummm… Lily, you’re the head girl right?” she nodded. “The meeting is about to start.”

“SHIT! Wait Remus. Where’s your badge?” she asked thoughtfully.

“Um... I’m not head boy.” He said matter-of- factly.

“Who is then?”  She inquired.

“OH your in for a surprise,” he said winking.

“Well, we’ll do the research later Sirius,” she turned around to see Sirius with tears in his eyes. “What’s wrong?” she asked bewildered “I said we’d do the research later.”

“It’s not that,” he started sobbing, “It’s just that you’ve grown up so fast, I remember the first time we met in this same compartment.”

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“Awww…Sirius that’s so sweet!”

Lily and Sirius had always been friends but not so close, she hated that fact that he and Potter were best friends.  Lily and James weren’t what you would call the best of chums.

The compartment door slid open, and she heard a familiar voice, “Lily Evans meet you new head boy slash hot quidditch captain slash room mate slash future husband slash father of our son, well I always wanted to have a son named Harry where was I oh yea slash date to the next hogsmeade slash..." thats when Lily relized. That’s voice belonged to the one and only James Potter.

And that is when…..she fainted.

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** OK PPLZ!! It’s really short cuz we (Padfoot, and prongs) have some stupid business test and 2 projects. Well anywhooo we’re gonna put another chapter pretty soon. AND DON’T FORGET TO REVIEW!! And if your a hater, just leave. **

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** AND YES JAMES IS COMING IN THE FOLLOWING CHAPTER! And that this is the chapter Sirius discovers technology **

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